I am officially entering my last full week at Bethany House. I literally have 7 working days left. 7. Days.
If I were to be honest, I would tell you that it hasn't completely hit yet. And it probably won't until I'm home for a week with my family. Maybe it's the fact that I get to spend some free time in the UK for a week after or that I get to fly directly to watch two of my great friends get married. Or maybe it's because I want to remain in denial that this journey is actually coming to a close.
As I look back on this year, I can count of many instances where I "couldn't wait for July to come" or "couldn't believe I thought this was a good idea". It has been a struggle. Honestly. If you think for one minute that completely dropping everything and leaving to live in another country, even the United Kingdom, for a year is easy well you are mistaken. The irony, though, is that I finally feel as though I've come into my own here. I now have friends, I know my way around, public transportation is a breeze, I can understand a broad Glaswegian accent, I can do more difficult tasks at work with more ease, and I just feel like I've grown the beginning of a life here. Truth is, because of all those really hard days when I wasn't so sure that I would make it and because of the many joys I've been able to experience here...that does mean I've had an actual life. Maybe that's why it is so hard to leave, no matter how excited I am to see my friends and family back home.
As I look forward, I have no clue where my next leg of the journey will lead. I wish I could say that I did, but I don't. Yes I have a "plan" in mind, but as of now I'll be employed for a bit and working my behind off to find work and pay bills. Talk about exciting and scary. Maybe that's why it is so hard to leave, because I am so unsure of the future.
Yesterday, Janet and I decided to make our way to a place called Nunraw Abbey. Nunraw is a monastery out in the countryside that is often a place where many of our residents go to get away or some time to just be and rest. It is free of charge and it set in a remote, beautiful area. Janet and I stopped into the guest house for a cup of tea with the monks and the people staying for the weekend. One of those people staying there just happened to be one of our current residents. We chatted with him for a bit and caught up on how he was doing and what he was feeling and made sure to tell him that we wanted to give him his space. As we sat there, we ended up starting a conversation with one of the monks. The topic got onto trust and anxiety and the monk said that more often than not, you cannot have one without the other and that trust and anxiety were to go together.
"When you truly trust someone or something you will have anxiety, otherwise you are not putting your full trust into it." He explained how it was a lot like our relationship with God and trusting that He knows what we need. The monk also went on to say that it isn't so much about the journey as it was about how you went the journey. "Let's say you're standing there and looking at all the choices of what to do next with God standing behind you. He knows which one you should choose, but He let's you do the choosing. If you should choose a different one, He says 'Okay, let's go there.' and He goes with you. It may not be the absolute best way, but when you go with God, you cannot go wrong."
I sat back and was amazed. It was exactly what I needed to hear at this time and to know that it will be okay. I couldn't help but think for the rest of the day that I and Janet were supposed to be at Nunraw to listen to this monk.
So, though I am unsure where I'm going, I know I am not alone. Funny, that's exactly what I thought before leaving for the United Kingdom. Time and time again, God is faithful. So in these last days, I plan on laughing and crying a lot and soaking in all this beautiful place and these beautiful people. I am one full and thankful girl.
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